mood : *turmoil* vs *serene*

argh.. i hate this.. the insecure feeling.. y must i allow myself to go through all these stupid turmoil.. i shouldnt even let myself to feel all these negative feelings i m feeling right now.. argh.. let it go let it go i try telling myself.. bt it doesnt work dat way.. its still there.. even at the end it is just me thinkin too much.. the feeling is still there.. hai.. i am so tired.. so so so so tired.. sometimes it is so disturbing that i dont even know what is disturbing me..
*after talking*
phew.. i feel so relieved.. haa.. lol.. it is so funny.. so funny dat i felt nth at all anymore.. hmm.. quite disappointed tt .. to stay wif ya so many many yrs.. bt yet der is no trust.. no trust in me? mayb nt really no trust.. bt just dat we need an outsider to settle all these thingS? haha.. mayb nt really an outsider.. bt u know it hurts my ego.. somehow.. lol.. somehow it does hurt.. y.. i duno myself well.. i want to say tt all these while.. i try so hard to come back with a smile on my face.. y isit so hard.. y? is there a reason to b so hard? i know all along how bad my temper is.. bt nobody knows i m tortured as well.. i really tried.. n y dint i tell them.. hai.. alwaes dis kind of decision i ll made.. decision dat ll disadvantage me.. n i alwaes felt so disadvantaged.
i just cant xpress myself well.. U just make me feel so immature.. U just make me feel so useless..
haha.. its quite an irony.. when all along i felt tt i m nt acting like an adult in frnt of u all.. n de v basic reason y we need others to settle our problems is because u all felt tt i m older.. u felt tt it may nt be so polite to tell me directly.. bt at times i felt tt u all talk to me in such a rude way.. haa.. wad an irony.. hai.. its quite sad dat for not long ago i told others dat i just luv my rmmates..
der are so many things on my chest dat i want to get rid of them.. try sharing my stress.. haa.. bt its nt dat easy u see.. its really nt.. cause i dont even know what i am stressing abt..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. let me scream all these things out.. sometimes i wonder.. am i suffering frm depression.. haa.. bt they sae tht u wont know it when u suffer frm depression.. so i guess i m nt..
all i want to do is just to sigh and sigh and sigh.. it doesnt really hurt.. bt it makes me want to cry so much.. U want me to act normally.. bt ll others act normally.. i dont think so.. it ll b quite hard isnt it.. it ll nv be de same.. bt again.. mayb it really up to whether i choose to believe tt it ll nv be de same.. or we can go back to normal again.. hai..
is tt all these long when i felt it ya felt it too? bt y ya nv voice it out? isit tt just like me, ya r afraid of confrontation? ya r afraid of souring relationship.. i nv believe tt time is an important factor in a relationship.. bt i wanted so badly to believe tt for ours it does play a part.. is what happened today a proof tt tt ll nv b an impt factor in a relationship?
y isit so hard to be just myself.. y am i alwaes tortured myself with all these thoughts in me.. y cant i just let it go.. y cant i just voice it out.. y cant i grip it tight n control it..
a part of me wanted so badly to say y do i need to follow wad U r tellin me.. bt a part of me agree totally when U sae tt its fate for us to stay together.. its really fate.. haa..
not long ago my cousin in law just told me how dey had viewed me in the past.. i was quite horrible isnt it? haa.. todae u all thought tt i have improved so much.. haha.. have i?
i am never proud of myself.. there are so many things to learn.. n in the process of learning.. sometimes i forgot to be myself.. tryin so hard to learn frm others i forgot to be myself.. i am so confused of who i m now.. so so so so confused.. i want badly to stop and turn around.. and take a look which path i have gone wrong.. bt everything arnd me is going on so fast.. i m afraid even to slow down.. so so so afraid..
today's talk remind me of the time when we sat down together in the council rm n have a heart to heart talk.. y isit dat den u all make it sounded so soft yet so hard.. how did i change? how u all make me change? thnx peeps.. bt u all only managed to make me change my public behaviour.. haa.. have been years since i struggle with my home behaviour.. Ya told me what she disliked me about.. since then i tried changing.. but did ya realise my effort.. did ya? hai..
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conclusion:
being a responsible human being is not easy

mood : *turmoil* vs *serene*

argh.. i hate this.. the insecure feeling.. y must i allow myself to go through all these stupid turmoil.. i shouldnt even let myself to feel all these negative feelings i m feeling right now.. argh.. let it go let it go i try telling myself.. bt it doesnt work dat way.. its still there.. even at the end it is just me thinkin too much.. the feeling is still there.. hai.. i am so tired.. so so so so tired.. sometimes it is so disturbing that i dont even know what is disturbing me..
*after talking*
phew.. i feel so relieved.. haa.. lol.. it is so funny.. so funny dat i felt nth at all anymore.. hmm.. quite disappointed tt .. to stay wif ya so many many yrs.. bt yet der is no trust.. no trust in me? mayb nt really no trust.. bt just dat we need an outsider to settle all these thingS? haha.. mayb nt really an outsider.. bt u know it hurts my ego.. somehow.. lol.. somehow it does hurt.. y.. i duno myself well.. i want to say tt all these while.. i try so hard to come back with a smile on my face.. y isit so hard.. y? is there a reason to b so hard? i know all along how bad my temper is.. bt nobody knows i m tortured as well.. i really tried.. n y dint i tell them.. hai.. alwaes dis kind of decision i ll made.. decision dat ll disadvantage me.. n i alwaes felt so disadvantaged.
i just cant xpress myself well.. U just make me feel so immature.. U just make me feel so useless..
haha.. its quite an irony.. when all along i felt tt i m nt acting like an adult in frnt of u all.. n de v basic reason y we need others to settle our problems is because u all felt tt i m older.. u felt tt it may nt be so polite to tell me directly.. bt at times i felt tt u all talk to me in such a rude way.. haa.. wad an irony.. hai.. its quite sad dat for not long ago i told others dat i just luv my rmmates..
der are so many things on my chest dat i want to get rid of them.. try sharing my stress.. haa.. bt its nt dat easy u see.. its really nt.. cause i dont even know what i am stressing abt..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. let me scream all these things out.. sometimes i wonder.. am i suffering frm depression.. haa.. bt they sae tht u wont know it when u suffer frm depression.. so i guess i m nt..
all i want to do is just to sigh and sigh and sigh.. it doesnt really hurt.. bt it makes me want to cry so much.. U want me to act normally.. bt ll others act normally.. i dont think so.. it ll b quite hard isnt it.. it ll nv be de same.. bt again.. mayb it really up to whether i choose to believe tt it ll nv be de same.. or we can go back to normal again.. hai..
is tt all these long when i felt it ya felt it too? bt y ya nv voice it out? isit tt just like me, ya r afraid of confrontation? ya r afraid of souring relationship.. i nv believe tt time is an important factor in a relationship.. bt i wanted so badly to believe tt for ours it does play a part.. is what happened today a proof tt tt ll nv b an impt factor in a relationship?
y isit so hard to be just myself.. y am i alwaes tortured myself with all these thoughts in me.. y cant i just let it go.. y cant i just voice it out.. y cant i grip it tight n control it..
a part of me wanted so badly to say y do i need to follow wad U r tellin me.. bt a part of me agree totally when U sae tt its fate for us to stay together.. its really fate.. haa..
not long ago my cousin in law just told me how dey had viewed me in the past.. i was quite horrible isnt it? haa.. todae u all thought tt i have improved so much.. haha.. have i?
i am never proud of myself.. there are so many things to learn.. n in the process of learning.. sometimes i forgot to be myself.. tryin so hard to learn frm others i forgot to be myself.. i am so confused of who i m now.. so so so so confused.. i want badly to stop and turn around.. and take a look which path i have gone wrong.. bt everything arnd me is going on so fast.. i m afraid even to slow down.. so so so afraid..
today's talk remind me of the time when we sat down together in the council rm n have a heart to heart talk.. y isit dat den u all make it sounded so soft yet so hard.. how did i change? how u all make me change? thnx peeps.. bt u all only managed to make me change my public behaviour.. haa.. have been years since i struggle with my home behaviour.. Ya told me what she disliked me about.. since then i tried changing.. but did ya realise my effort.. did ya? hai..
...
...
...
conclusion:
being a responsible human being is not easy