mood : *turmoil* vs *serene*

argh.. i hate this.. the insecure feeling.. y must i allow myself to go through all these stupid turmoil.. i shouldnt even let myself to feel all these negative feelings i m feeling right now.. argh.. let it go let it go i try telling myself.. bt it doesnt work dat way.. its still there.. even at the end it is just me thinkin too much.. the feeling is still there.. hai.. i am so tired.. so so so so tired.. sometimes it is so disturbing that i dont even know what is disturbing me..
*after talking*
phew.. i feel so relieved.. haa.. lol.. it is so funny.. so funny dat i felt nth at all anymore.. hmm.. quite disappointed tt .. to stay wif ya so many many yrs.. bt yet der is no trust.. no trust in me? mayb nt really no trust.. bt just dat we need an outsider to settle all these thingS? haha.. mayb nt really an outsider.. bt u know it hurts my ego.. somehow.. lol.. somehow it does hurt.. y.. i duno myself well.. i want to say tt all these while.. i try so hard to come back with a smile on my face.. y isit so hard.. y? is there a reason to b so hard? i know all along how bad my temper is.. bt nobody knows i m tortured as well.. i really tried.. n y dint i tell them.. hai.. alwaes dis kind of decision i ll made.. decision dat ll disadvantage me.. n i alwaes felt so disadvantaged.
i just cant xpress myself well.. U just make me feel so immature.. U just make me feel so useless..
haha.. its quite an irony.. when all along i felt tt i m nt acting like an adult in frnt of u all.. n de v basic reason y we need others to settle our problems is because u all felt tt i m older.. u felt tt it may nt be so polite to tell me directly.. bt at times i felt tt u all talk to me in such a rude way.. haa.. wad an irony.. hai.. its quite sad dat for not long ago i told others dat i just luv my rmmates..
der are so many things on my chest dat i want to get rid of them.. try sharing my stress.. haa.. bt its nt dat easy u see.. its really nt.. cause i dont even know what i am stressing abt..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. let me scream all these things out.. sometimes i wonder.. am i suffering frm depression.. haa.. bt they sae tht u wont know it when u suffer frm depression.. so i guess i m nt..
all i want to do is just to sigh and sigh and sigh.. it doesnt really hurt.. bt it makes me want to cry so much.. U want me to act normally.. bt ll others act normally.. i dont think so.. it ll b quite hard isnt it.. it ll nv be de same.. bt again.. mayb it really up to whether i choose to believe tt it ll nv be de same.. or we can go back to normal again.. hai..
is tt all these long when i felt it ya felt it too? bt y ya nv voice it out? isit tt just like me, ya r afraid of confrontation? ya r afraid of souring relationship.. i nv believe tt time is an important factor in a relationship.. bt i wanted so badly to believe tt for ours it does play a part.. is what happened today a proof tt tt ll nv b an impt factor in a relationship?
y isit so hard to be just myself.. y am i alwaes tortured myself with all these thoughts in me.. y cant i just let it go.. y cant i just voice it out.. y cant i grip it tight n control it..
a part of me wanted so badly to say y do i need to follow wad U r tellin me.. bt a part of me agree totally when U sae tt its fate for us to stay together.. its really fate.. haa..
not long ago my cousin in law just told me how dey had viewed me in the past.. i was quite horrible isnt it? haa.. todae u all thought tt i have improved so much.. haha.. have i?
i am never proud of myself.. there are so many things to learn.. n in the process of learning.. sometimes i forgot to be myself.. tryin so hard to learn frm others i forgot to be myself.. i am so confused of who i m now.. so so so so confused.. i want badly to stop and turn around.. and take a look which path i have gone wrong.. bt everything arnd me is going on so fast.. i m afraid even to slow down.. so so so afraid..
today's talk remind me of the time when we sat down together in the council rm n have a heart to heart talk.. y isit dat den u all make it sounded so soft yet so hard.. how did i change? how u all make me change? thnx peeps.. bt u all only managed to make me change my public behaviour.. haa.. have been years since i struggle with my home behaviour.. Ya told me what she disliked me about.. since then i tried changing.. but did ya realise my effort.. did ya? hai..
...
...
...
conclusion:
being a responsible human being is not easy

mood :

was skeptical in the morning, wondering what are they up to. asking me out after such a long time, long time of little contact, long time of almost no news. i have no idea i started having this cynical feeling about guys, unless we are friends, unless i'm sure we are friends. if not, i always have this skeptical feeling abt guys. don't ask me why, somehow i just feel much much more and i really mean much more comfortable around girls, totally sick n don't want much contact with guys. don't ask me why, ha.... but i just get sick/fed up at the sight of them.

n so it was the 4 of us, i was the only ger. met two of them 1st before meeting the 4th, was really rather quiet on the bus ride. after that met up with the 4th guy, which i have no idea once again why, he made my heart skipped. all the memories of the past just came flooding back. the memory of me used to have this crush on him, the memory of me used to have this heart racing feeling everytime i see him, the memory of me...... how i would always smile when i see him come to class. how i would always feel happy when he pats my head. all these feelings just came back and its quite weird and indeed, unexplainable. still, i was still having this cynical feeling, cos afterall, he's still GUY! is this a kind of disease? things weren't that bad till few days ago, when mr standing pen/ asked me out, in the end i found out he'd actually asked another ger out too. and when he called, he sounded so cocky or whatever that was, like i've already found company, and huh?! u wana come along? like fuck! he was the one who asked me 1st & then just cos he's found company, he's doing this?! so wat if you are man! guys stink! all the skeptical/cynical feelings about guys just came seeping into every single vessel, every single hole in my brain, my heart. -.-''' so yeah hope that kinds of explain why i really am SICK OF guys. & so, he was being really nice today. when i thought i would not find another like yukaoqie, he showed me to be like him. caring and really taking care from the heart, he makes you feel like a princess. doing the things for you like he should be doing all these, how he'd talk and look attentively into your eyes and smile and attempt to make you melt. he succeeded, oh wow congrats to him. so he asked me if i want to go to toopeedee ball with him, i replied that *toot toot toot*. so we walked around the ball he commented, "been long since i last caught a film, u interested?" so i told him *toot toot toot* again, he said just today? "I WILL SEND YOU HOME" =D =D =D =D =D that's the magic word that i'm always touched and attracted to, although at the end of it all, i WILL insist that he does not, and i really mean it when i say no. but the fact that he gave this fact the thought and raised this as a statement really did touched me. right to the bottom few valves of my heart. end of story-he's nice. 2nd guy to add to the list tgt with yukaoqie. hip hip hurray.

mood : *turmoil* vs *serene*

argh.. i hate this.. the insecure feeling.. y must i allow myself to go through all these stupid turmoil.. i shouldnt even let myself to feel all these negative feelings i m feeling right now.. argh.. let it go let it go i try telling myself.. bt it doesnt work dat way.. its still there.. even at the end it is just me thinkin too much.. the feeling is still there.. hai.. i am so tired.. so so so so tired.. sometimes it is so disturbing that i dont even know what is disturbing me..
*after talking*
phew.. i feel so relieved.. haa.. lol.. it is so funny.. so funny dat i felt nth at all anymore.. hmm.. quite disappointed tt .. to stay wif ya so many many yrs.. bt yet der is no trust.. no trust in me? mayb nt really no trust.. bt just dat we need an outsider to settle all these thingS? haha.. mayb nt really an outsider.. bt u know it hurts my ego.. somehow.. lol.. somehow it does hurt.. y.. i duno myself well.. i want to say tt all these while.. i try so hard to come back with a smile on my face.. y isit so hard.. y? is there a reason to b so hard? i know all along how bad my temper is.. bt nobody knows i m tortured as well.. i really tried.. n y dint i tell them.. hai.. alwaes dis kind of decision i ll made.. decision dat ll disadvantage me.. n i alwaes felt so disadvantaged.
i just cant xpress myself well.. U just make me feel so immature.. U just make me feel so useless..
haha.. its quite an irony.. when all along i felt tt i m nt acting like an adult in frnt of u all.. n de v basic reason y we need others to settle our problems is because u all felt tt i m older.. u felt tt it may nt be so polite to tell me directly.. bt at times i felt tt u all talk to me in such a rude way.. haa.. wad an irony.. hai.. its quite sad dat for not long ago i told others dat i just luv my rmmates..
der are so many things on my chest dat i want to get rid of them.. try sharing my stress.. haa.. bt its nt dat easy u see.. its really nt.. cause i dont even know what i am stressing abt..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. let me scream all these things out.. sometimes i wonder.. am i suffering frm depression.. haa.. bt they sae tht u wont know it when u suffer frm depression.. so i guess i m nt..
all i want to do is just to sigh and sigh and sigh.. it doesnt really hurt.. bt it makes me want to cry so much.. U want me to act normally.. bt ll others act normally.. i dont think so.. it ll b quite hard isnt it.. it ll nv be de same.. bt again.. mayb it really up to whether i choose to believe tt it ll nv be de same.. or we can go back to normal again.. hai..
is tt all these long when i felt it ya felt it too? bt y ya nv voice it out? isit tt just like me, ya r afraid of confrontation? ya r afraid of souring relationship.. i nv believe tt time is an important factor in a relationship.. bt i wanted so badly to believe tt for ours it does play a part.. is what happened today a proof tt tt ll nv b an impt factor in a relationship?
y isit so hard to be just myself.. y am i alwaes tortured myself with all these thoughts in me.. y cant i just let it go.. y cant i just voice it out.. y cant i grip it tight n control it..
a part of me wanted so badly to say y do i need to follow wad U r tellin me.. bt a part of me agree totally when U sae tt its fate for us to stay together.. its really fate.. haa..
not long ago my cousin in law just told me how dey had viewed me in the past.. i was quite horrible isnt it? haa.. todae u all thought tt i have improved so much.. haha.. have i?
i am never proud of myself.. there are so many things to learn.. n in the process of learning.. sometimes i forgot to be myself.. tryin so hard to learn frm others i forgot to be myself.. i am so confused of who i m now.. so so so so confused.. i want badly to stop and turn around.. and take a look which path i have gone wrong.. bt everything arnd me is going on so fast.. i m afraid even to slow down.. so so so afraid..
today's talk remind me of the time when we sat down together in the council rm n have a heart to heart talk.. y isit dat den u all make it sounded so soft yet so hard.. how did i change? how u all make me change? thnx peeps.. bt u all only managed to make me change my public behaviour.. haa.. have been years since i struggle with my home behaviour.. Ya told me what she disliked me about.. since then i tried changing.. but did ya realise my effort.. did ya? hai..
...
...
...
conclusion:
being a responsible human being is not easy

mood :

was skeptical in the morning, wondering what are they up to. asking me out after such a long time, long time of little contact, long time of almost no news. i have no idea i started having this cynical feeling about guys, unless we are friends, unless i'm sure we are friends. if not, i always have this skeptical feeling abt guys. don't ask me why, somehow i just feel much much more and i really mean much more comfortable around girls, totally sick n don't want much contact with guys. don't ask me why, ha.... but i just get sick/fed up at the sight of them.

n so it was the 4 of us, i was the only ger. met two of them 1st before meeting the 4th, was really rather quiet on the bus ride. after that met up with the 4th guy, which i have no idea once again why, he made my heart skipped. all the memories of the past just came flooding back. the memory of me used to have this crush on him, the memory of me used to have this heart racing feeling everytime i see him, the memory of me...... how i would always smile when i see him come to class. how i would always feel happy when he pats my head. all these feelings just came back and its quite weird and indeed, unexplainable. still, i was still having this cynical feeling, cos afterall, he's still GUY! is this a kind of disease? things weren't that bad till few days ago, when mr standing pen/ asked me out, in the end i found out he'd actually asked another ger out too. and when he called, he sounded so cocky or whatever that was, like i've already found company, and huh?! u wana come along? like fuck! he was the one who asked me 1st & then just cos he's found company, he's doing this?! so wat if you are man! guys stink! all the skeptical/cynical feelings about guys just came seeping into every single vessel, every single hole in my brain, my heart. -.-''' so yeah hope that kinds of explain why i really am SICK OF guys. & so, he was being really nice today. when i thought i would not find another like yukaoqie, he showed me to be like him. caring and really taking care from the heart, he makes you feel like a princess. doing the things for you like he should be doing all these, how he'd talk and look attentively into your eyes and smile and attempt to make you melt. he succeeded, oh wow congrats to him. so he asked me if i want to go to toopeedee ball with him, i replied that *toot toot toot*. so we walked around the ball he commented, "been long since i last caught a film, u interested?" so i told him *toot toot toot* again, he said just today? "I WILL SEND YOU HOME" =D =D =D =D =D that's the magic word that i'm always touched and attracted to, although at the end of it all, i WILL insist that he does not, and i really mean it when i say no. but the fact that he gave this fact the thought and raised this as a statement really did touched me. right to the bottom few valves of my heart. end of story-he's nice. 2nd guy to add to the list tgt with yukaoqie. hip hip hurray.