-Wednesday, November 28, 2007-
mood: blue
i don't know what is bothering me (ok. actually i know).
i don't want to admit what is bothering me? (actually i don't mind admitting too)
Am i confusing you? (i think i do)
but it doesn't bother you right? (or maybe it does?)
but for what? (for whatever reason there is)
I know i am trying to self-feed myself something that doesn't even exist (ya.. good that i know)
so what's the purpose for that? (ya.. what for? self-entertainment?)
oh my..
how and when does all these start?
it starts with me and end with me. (i wish)
what is it anyway? or more likely, what are "all these" anyway?
it is not defined. and thus it is nothing but the "nothing"
when the crap starts = confused mind
i wish i can be normal (so it means i m nt?)
all i feel is the messed up feeling
no longer in control
hold no values
all the "depressing" thoughts and feelings
i wish it will be gone when i open my eyes in the morning.
but nowadays, it got carried into my dreams.
like the vampire -_-
argh.
gd night world.
# footprint is left @ 12:24 AM
-Sunday, November 11, 2007-
mood :*stressed*
I had that nightmare again. After almost a year.. The last time, it was unknown who, only knew that it was someone dearest to me, which didn't even exist in real life.. This time round it is someone whom recently i have thought a lot.. But the problem is he wasn't anyone dear to me.. I don't even dare to say that we are friends.. and all because of the way u treat me.. But anyway, back to the nightmare..
there was my mom, kristin, mr c and one of my teammate. We were out having some holidays at some place.. and we stayed in the hotel.. Funnily, all of us slept in different room.. one day, mr c, teammate and i went to play some of the activities available there, and we nearly got into the accident. After that day, i never see mr c and teammate anymore. But i dint realise that until a few days later, when kristin came and find me with a worried and scared face.. She asked me, when was the last time i saw them.. and i realised it had been quite a while. I started to remember the murder case which i had heard while staying in the hotel, and i started to become scared too.. Then i went to knock my mom's door. and when she peeped out from her room, for a moment kristin and i suspected that maybe she is the culprit.. then we went back to my room, and as kristin opened the wardrobe, i saw her expression. She seemed to see something in the wardrobe. So before she could show me, i shaked my head and went out.. When we were outside, on the pathway, i gather my courage, and asked her.. so mr c is gone? and she answered me: yes, he is lost, cant be found.. Upon hearing, my tears started to flow down uncontrollably.. and the anguished felt in the dream was so strong that i forced myself to wake up immediately. I woke up, and thought for a moment that "am i depressed"
sometimes i wonder, why do i start to make dreams that enable me to experience feelings that i have never, not even once, experienced it in my real life? Everytime i recalled the dream, it would feel like i am watching a show and i knew that tts the appropriate reactions and feelings that i should give and feel when something similar like this happen in real life. But the problem is, even before it happened in my real life, i could actually taste the feeling.. could actually feel the anguished, the fear of not seeing someone anymore.. forever.. never.. and all that is left, is the photos and the memories..
# footprint is left @ 2:51 AM
-Thursday, November 08, 2007-
mood : *unsure*
The mind is blank.
I am feeling nothing.
but disappointment.
If u need to do this and hide.
then don't do.
If it matters so much that u must do it.
Then don't hide.
It doesn't matter.
at least to me.
really.
So just do whatever u want to.
# footprint is left @ 1:40 PM
-Friday, November 02, 2007-
mood :
when it feels like the world is coming down on u,
what u really wish is to have someone to hold on to,
and to go through all these together.
but,
as i extend my hand out,
i can hold nothing,
but air..
it is so overwhelming, but yet i can do nothing.
feels like shouting it out, but yet i can shout nothing.
what it is that i am denying myself from?
even for this i deny myself for what i am denying..
it is so strong that my mind chooses not to search but wait..
why is it that every passing second, makes me feel as if i m falling down faster and faster..
now i know that it has never meant to be.. and it will never mean to be..
but why it bothers when i have told myself over and over again that there is nothing to begin with..
why is it that small action of yours, makes me feel as if my room's light is switched off.. and i am walking in the dark?
i feel so lost, yet so restricted..
i wish i can take out my heart n place it somewhere else..
so that i do not need to feel for this..
this emotion that i don't even know what it is representing..
oh crap.
# footprint is left @ 10:20 AM
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
mood: blue
i don't know what is bothering me (ok. actually i know).
i don't want to admit what is bothering me? (actually i don't mind admitting too)
Am i confusing you? (i think i do)
but it doesn't bother you right? (or maybe it does?)
but for what? (for whatever reason there is)
I know i am trying to self-feed myself something that doesn't even exist (ya.. good that i know)
so what's the purpose for that? (ya.. what for? self-entertainment?)
oh my..
how and when does all these start?
it starts with me and end with me. (i wish)
what is it anyway? or more likely, what are "all these" anyway?
it is not defined. and thus it is nothing but the "nothing"
when the crap starts = confused mind
i wish i can be normal (so it means i m nt?)
all i feel is the messed up feeling
no longer in control
hold no values
all the "depressing" thoughts and feelings
i wish it will be gone when i open my eyes in the morning.
but nowadays, it got carried into my dreams.
like the vampire -_-
argh.
gd night world.
# footprint is left @ 12:24 AM
Sunday, November 11, 2007
mood :*stressed*
I had that nightmare again. After almost a year.. The last time, it was unknown who, only knew that it was someone dearest to me, which didn't even exist in real life.. This time round it is someone whom recently i have thought a lot.. But the problem is he wasn't anyone dear to me.. I don't even dare to say that we are friends.. and all because of the way u treat me.. But anyway, back to the nightmare..
there was my mom, kristin, mr c and one of my teammate. We were out having some holidays at some place.. and we stayed in the hotel.. Funnily, all of us slept in different room.. one day, mr c, teammate and i went to play some of the activities available there, and we nearly got into the accident. After that day, i never see mr c and teammate anymore. But i dint realise that until a few days later, when kristin came and find me with a worried and scared face.. She asked me, when was the last time i saw them.. and i realised it had been quite a while. I started to remember the murder case which i had heard while staying in the hotel, and i started to become scared too.. Then i went to knock my mom's door. and when she peeped out from her room, for a moment kristin and i suspected that maybe she is the culprit.. then we went back to my room, and as kristin opened the wardrobe, i saw her expression. She seemed to see something in the wardrobe. So before she could show me, i shaked my head and went out.. When we were outside, on the pathway, i gather my courage, and asked her.. so mr c is gone? and she answered me: yes, he is lost, cant be found.. Upon hearing, my tears started to flow down uncontrollably.. and the anguished felt in the dream was so strong that i forced myself to wake up immediately. I woke up, and thought for a moment that "am i depressed"
sometimes i wonder, why do i start to make dreams that enable me to experience feelings that i have never, not even once, experienced it in my real life? Everytime i recalled the dream, it would feel like i am watching a show and i knew that tts the appropriate reactions and feelings that i should give and feel when something similar like this happen in real life. But the problem is, even before it happened in my real life, i could actually taste the feeling.. could actually feel the anguished, the fear of not seeing someone anymore.. forever.. never.. and all that is left, is the photos and the memories..
# footprint is left @ 2:51 AM
Thursday, November 08, 2007
mood : *unsure*
The mind is blank.
I am feeling nothing.
but disappointment.
If u need to do this and hide.
then don't do.
If it matters so much that u must do it.
Then don't hide.
It doesn't matter.
at least to me.
really.
So just do whatever u want to.
# footprint is left @ 1:40 PM
Friday, November 02, 2007
mood :
when it feels like the world is coming down on u,
what u really wish is to have someone to hold on to,
and to go through all these together.
but,
as i extend my hand out,
i can hold nothing,
but air..
it is so overwhelming, but yet i can do nothing.
feels like shouting it out, but yet i can shout nothing.
what it is that i am denying myself from?
even for this i deny myself for what i am denying..
it is so strong that my mind chooses not to search but wait..
why is it that every passing second, makes me feel as if i m falling down faster and faster..
now i know that it has never meant to be.. and it will never mean to be..
but why it bothers when i have told myself over and over again that there is nothing to begin with..
why is it that small action of yours, makes me feel as if my room's light is switched off.. and i am walking in the dark?
i feel so lost, yet so restricted..
i wish i can take out my heart n place it somewhere else..
so that i do not need to feel for this..
this emotion that i don't even know what it is representing..
oh crap.
# footprint is left @ 10:20 AM
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