Today, i found out that all along i was too naive. Even now, while i was typing down all these, there are still a large part of me that's very naive, even what i typed, i believe will sound totally naive to u. But i don't think i can lose my naiveness just like that, can i? All along i knew that it's not as nice as it seems on the surface, but i never knew that it is actually so very ugly beneath all the pretense. I guess if it's others i won't feel so strongly disgusted, but since it concerns me directly, i just cant understand why something like these happened. I know it's none of my business, but it bothers me anyhow. All those that happened sounded so petty to me. I know i know that i will never understand all those things that actually matters a lot to them, but none to me, as i ain't from the same generation as them. Even though i will never know the real truth, i feel that it is so unfair, unfair to my side. I am angry. pissed off. I don't get it why they are so unhappy. Isn't it supposed to be my side that is getting upset? What right do u have to be so unhappy. (okay, i know maybe i am a little bit unfair here, but really, from what i see, it's no big deal, it's just how they view it, that is the big deal. They read too much into it) Another thing, if u r unhappy, then show it. what's the pretense about? And what's worse, u said things to make me feel better, to make me thought that it doesn't matter to u. what for? i will rather u showed disappointment, or showed me that i am useless for fearing to get through the customs. ( I know because it doesn't happen that way, that is why i thought i could handle it. But if u really show it to me, at least i know that i am incapable and i will try better next time) But u choose to blame it on others. That is what i can't take it. Is it because u feel that i am too young? is it because u feel that i am useless of making my own decision and thus u don't bother to show anything? ( but why u bother to make me feel better?) or is it because u just want to find an excuse to get at others. I am stepping into the adult life, but i never expect i will get a taste of it so soon. come to think of it, there were many times when i said naive stuffs and nothing happened, thanks for those who couldn't stand me but still did. As i learned the truth today, i believe many things will start changing. I am so afraid that one day i will no longer heed those philosophies that i strongly believe in right now. I am afraid that i will find those things too idealistic. Even now, i think i have started to have doubts. I need to see things clearly. I can't let my emotions control me. I have choices. I can choose to ignore everything and let others label me as indifferent, aloof, ignorant. Or i can choose to know all the things that i need to know to face all these people who wants nothing but compliments, who wants nothing but be listened to, who wants nothing but to win and who cares nothing but their own feelings and pride.
Today, i found out that all along i was too naive. Even now, while i was typing down all these, there are still a large part of me that's very naive, even what i typed, i believe will sound totally naive to u. But i don't think i can lose my naiveness just like that, can i? All along i knew that it's not as nice as it seems on the surface, but i never knew that it is actually so very ugly beneath all the pretense. I guess if it's others i won't feel so strongly disgusted, but since it concerns me directly, i just cant understand why something like these happened. I know it's none of my business, but it bothers me anyhow. All those that happened sounded so petty to me. I know i know that i will never understand all those things that actually matters a lot to them, but none to me, as i ain't from the same generation as them. Even though i will never know the real truth, i feel that it is so unfair, unfair to my side. I am angry. pissed off. I don't get it why they are so unhappy. Isn't it supposed to be my side that is getting upset? What right do u have to be so unhappy. (okay, i know maybe i am a little bit unfair here, but really, from what i see, it's no big deal, it's just how they view it, that is the big deal. They read too much into it) Another thing, if u r unhappy, then show it. what's the pretense about? And what's worse, u said things to make me feel better, to make me thought that it doesn't matter to u. what for? i will rather u showed disappointment, or showed me that i am useless for fearing to get through the customs. ( I know because it doesn't happen that way, that is why i thought i could handle it. But if u really show it to me, at least i know that i am incapable and i will try better next time) But u choose to blame it on others. That is what i can't take it. Is it because u feel that i am too young? is it because u feel that i am useless of making my own decision and thus u don't bother to show anything? ( but why u bother to make me feel better?) or is it because u just want to find an excuse to get at others. I am stepping into the adult life, but i never expect i will get a taste of it so soon. come to think of it, there were many times when i said naive stuffs and nothing happened, thanks for those who couldn't stand me but still did. As i learned the truth today, i believe many things will start changing. I am so afraid that one day i will no longer heed those philosophies that i strongly believe in right now. I am afraid that i will find those things too idealistic. Even now, i think i have started to have doubts. I need to see things clearly. I can't let my emotions control me. I have choices. I can choose to ignore everything and let others label me as indifferent, aloof, ignorant. Or i can choose to know all the things that i need to know to face all these people who wants nothing but compliments, who wants nothing but be listened to, who wants nothing but to win and who cares nothing but their own feelings and pride.
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